Yesterday unexpectedly became a “free” day — one of those lovely days that we don’t have to be anywhere in particular. So, I thought it would be a good day to try a little experiment I’ve been thinking about. However, we ended up deciding to go to Legoland Discovery Center in the middle of the day, which kept them more distracted than usual, so my results are inaccurate, but telling, nonetheless.

The plan was to record *every* question and action item (spoken or implied) I received in one day, and on a fairly accurate schedule. It turns out that the requests and questions are so common that I’ve grown to receive them with a certain level of automation and with this “camouflage,” I know I missed some. Simply the act of documenting throws the flow off a bit, buy my stenographer was off yesterday. Between documented items, there was plenty of standard conversation and interaction. I chose to record only “demands” for response or action.

Here it goes:

1. 1:00  (yes, a.m.) I need to go potty!

2. 4:30 Mooom! I need your phone light to see my underwear drawer!

3. 7:00 Milky!

4. 8:30 Mom, do I have sperm in my body?

5. 8:45 Milky mommy!

6. 9:00 [First one out of bed. Yes, we sleep late.] I’m hungry, mommy.

7. 9:05 Mom, can I look at pictures of dolphins on your phone?

8. 9:08-9:15 Look at this!….Look at this dolphin! (repeatedly)

9. 9:10 Can you open this for me?

10. 9:15 Can you put this in the microwave for me, pease, mommy?

11. 10:15 When will I have sperm in my body?

12. 10:20 Can I have a peppermint?

13. 10:28 How long is a second?

14. 10:30 I want a peppermint! (other two boys)

15. 10:35 Can I have rice and cheese??

16. 10:36 Ian’s on my yiddol table!

17. 10:39 (Hug)

18. 10:39 Put this on me, mommy. Why soon?

19. 10:42 [Epic playroom adventure, mom gets to do stuff]

20. 11:20 Mom! Ian scratched me with his nails on purpose!

21. 11:23 [Adventures continue]

22. 11:30 [Let’s go to “little” Legoland] Help me put on my shoes.

23. 11:35 [Make everyone a drink to go]

24. 11:45 [off to Legoland]

25. 11:48 Mom do you have Opsy Clean stain fighter?

26. 11:50 What does autograph mean?

27. 11:52 What is a famous car?

28. 11:53 Can I see a picture of Herbie?

29. 11:54 Why are some cars famous?

30. 11:56 Is Bumblebee real?

31. 12:03 Can we go to Grammy’s house in 10 days? How about in 40 days?

32. 12:15 Why are there holes in my car chair?

33. 12:20 I’m thirsty

34. 12:30 Are we here? Go up higher!
35. 12:31 Go up another level!
36. 12: 38 Help me!
37. 12:40 Can I push the button?

38. 12:45-16:30 [At Legoland, not so much tracking time of requests.]

39. I’m hungry.

40. I need to go potty.

41. I want to to go play on the playground.

42. Can we go in there?

43. “Attention guests. Amy, please come to the exit.” [Explanation: LDC is basically one giant room. On a slow day, one can see her kids in any part of the room from any other part. On one side is a play area, fenced and guarded by an employee. Kids don’t get out unless the parent provides a matching DNA sample from their kid [obvious exaggeration]. Unless the kid — in this case my 3 y/o — does a random status check while mom has dashed across the room to get a pizza order started, doesn’t see her, and manages to get the notion in the employee’s head that he needs to be escorted to the exit to page his [probably idiot] mom to come get him, while said mom is back at the play place, looking for him in the jungle and hears aforementioned page. Being sure that her kid is deeply enthralled in a giant-Lego-toting adventure, safe in his cage, “Amy” saunters over to the exit to see if, in fact, the page refers to her own name, and perhaps her pizza order is ready or some obscure object with her name on it was dropped. To her astonishment/fear/confusion/amusement, “Amy” sees her happy (no, not frightened and crying) preschooler dashing to her from an “impressed with you son’s astuteness” employee’s side. “Amy” still hasn’t put together that the child had not escaped, but was escorted, from the play area, and returns with her child to the play area to fetch the older siblings and speak to the “guard.” Whilst mentioning to the [apparently ineffective] “guard” how odd it is that he “must have escaped,” she replied that “we were trying to find you.” For the two minutes I was across the room. I finally put together that she had not been lax on her job, rather hyper-vigilant (I still think they could have paged me without relocating my child). And, I was pleased to know my 3 y/o could stay calm, find an employee, and tell her my name. And, yes, I understand that I just risked having my child enslaved in a diamond mine. Note the other 107 action items to see why it was worth it. Kidding. Sort of.)

44. I need to go potty.

45. I’m thirsty.

46. Can we go build with big blocks?

47. I want more pizza.

48. Can we get a muffin?

49. I need a napkin.

50. Can we ride the ride?

51. I need to go potty.

52. Can we go in there now?

53. Can we get a toy?

54. Can we get these windows?

55. Can we get these?

56. 16:32  [In car heading home]

57. 16:33 I need to go potty.

58. 16:37 Can I have more pizza?

59. 16:39 Can I have my blocks?

60. 16:40 Why are we going so slow?
61. 16:41 Let me tell you why we are going so slow.

62. 16:45 When will we drive under the bank?

63. 16:48 Can we play “Sky Rockets in Flight” again?

64. 16:51 Why didn’t they finish that building?

65. 17:15 Are you talking to Dad?

66. 17:40 Where is my round piece?

67. 17:48 Can I used these boxes to make something?

68. 18:00 Can I help you cook?

69. 18:04 Do you have an invisible ‘gina?

70. 18:15 Why did you throw away the bags?

71. 18:18 Why do you call it a ladle?

72. 18:30 What do you use the grill for?

73. 18:34 Can I see inside the grill?

74. 18:39 How do you fix the grill?

75. 18:42 Can you have dad fix it? Dad kind of knows how to build. Maybe it will be easy for him to fix one tiny problem.

76. 18:45 Can you cut my apple pease?

77. 18:47 Where’s Elijah’s teeth from his doctors appointment?

78. 18:51 Can I see my hair from my first hair cut?

79. 18:52 Do I have any first fings?

80. 18:53 Did I have dark hair when I was born?

81. 18:55 What color eyes does Elijah have?

82. 18:56 Can we watch a movie?

83. 18:57 When is dad coming home?

84. 19;00 What are you doing?

85. 19:01 What are those pokey things?

86. 19:02 Where are they?

87. 19:05 Can I help?

88. 19:06 Are those twirly things for Isaac’s birthday?

89. 19:09 Why do grown ups stand on tables?

90. 19:12 Can I hand you the pokey things too?

91. 19:15 Is it nice to have a helper?

92. 19:16 Take mine!

93. 19:18 Why are you hanging only Optimus Prime and Bumblebee?

94. 19:22 Where are my shoes?

95. 19:45 [dinner] What is this?

96. 19:46 I’m firsty.

97. 19:47 Can I have milk? Me too!

98. 19:48 I need a straw.

99. 19:48 I want a straw too. And me!

100. 19:51 Can I have ketchup for my vegetables?

101. 19:58 I don’t like almond milk. I want cow milk.

102. 19:59 Blow on this for me!

103. 20:00 Do people like lemon on potatoes?

104. 20:01 Can I have ketchup on my potatoes?

105. 20:08 I’m done.

106. 20:10 Can I be excused?

107. 20:11 Can I watch a movie?

108. 20:12 Where’s dad?

I quit. Insert painfully off-schedule bedtime routine here.